Financial Disaster Area

I screwed up again. Nothing new there: it's a regular occurrence. This time I paid three bills twice, but luckily I've got the money in my account to cover it. Finances and me are not a felicitous combination: left to my own devices I will forget to pay bills, lose track of my balance and go overdrawn. Why should this be? I studied math to university level, I was an A student at school and won a Gold Award in a national mathematics competition, I've been working as a software developer for most of my adult life: I am completely comfortable with numbers and higher mathematics.

So... it's not the numerical or arithmetical aspect that gives me trouble. It's executive function (EF). Or rather executive dysfunction, specifically as it relates to planning and working memory. I've tried to manage household finances over the years but I always come unstuck, losing track of what's paid, what's due and how much money remains in the account. I've tried using written accounts, spreadsheets, internet & mobile banking and still I fail to keep on top of it.

Of course the household budget is not the only area where I suffer these or similar problems, but it is the most serious. I can't multi-task - I am only able to concentrate on doing one thing at a time, which can be a limitation in the kitchen when I'm trying to toast bread at the same time as frying bacon. I've lost count of the number of times it has resulted in burnt toast since I forgot about it being under the grill until I smelled the burning! And at work I have problems with meetings - I sometimes forget about the meeting until after it has finished, or get confused about what day it is scheduled. And this is with a reminder on my PC: without one I am totally at sea.

Grocery shopping is another problem area (even without the associated sensory issues and the severe discomfort caused when they reorganize the shelves, but that's a whole other subject). I have a routine - no surprise there - where I make a list first, sorted according to the store layout. I pick up the items in list order, and I still miss one or two items as often as not.

It's a curious, sometimes frustrating state of affairs. I can hold down a full-time job, I can drive, I even run a darts competition in my local pub. But I can't live independently. There are key areas where I need assistance that center around running a household: finances, laundry, cleaning, maintenance. I know that I have the skills to perform these tasks, which is the most frustrating part. I just lack the organization to do them consistently in a timely manner. I've tried, I really have. I've lived on my own for periods when I was a student as well as when I first moved away from home permanently to take up a new job. And every time it has been the same end result: things fall apart after only a few weeks.

It's a benefit of being married that I have somebody else in the home whom I can rely on to do the organizing, to balance the books, and to remind me when jobs need doing. As I said to my wife only this morning, I don't know what I'd do without her.

Empathy and Selfishness

I fear I've been behaving selfishly recently. I don't want to make excuses - just try to explain. As I wrote recently, my wife is very ill at the moment and her physical pain, exhaustion and isolation are causing severe depression.

I find that I resonate with how she is feeling. I feel her depression like a deep, black pit; like a hundred hooks in my insides drawing them down into the depths, leaving a void yearning to be filled with anything other than the aching emptiness. I find it very difficult to function in the face of such intense emotion - and I am only feeling it second-hand, picking up the echoes of what my wife is experiencing!

I just don't know how to handle the situation; these feelings. I don't know what to do for my wife to help her with her depression. I feel lost. So, selfishly, I have been withdrawing and taking refuge in familiar routines. I've been alternately detached and irascible with her instead of being supportive. I know that's wrong and I want to be supportive - it's proving to be a big challenge.

My reaction to strong emotions is not at a conscious level - it is sheer gut instinct. Such feelings push the buttons of my primitive fight-or-flight response and my conscious mind has to fight hard against the tide to overcome these basic instincts. It doesn't always succeed and that is when I overload.

Imagine, if you can, how a pet dog would react to its owners having a row in front of it. The dog can't understand what is causing the situation but can pick up the emotional overtones and becomes distressed. Perhaps it slinks off, tail between its legs, and cowers in a corner, whining. And over time the dog will become more wary and it will take time and effort to overcome its reluctance to approach, its fear of being in that situation again.

Neurotypical people don't react like that dog, and so don't expect that other people would either. But some autistic people don't have the ability to handle these emotionally-charged situations. We can't rationalize the causes when we're experiencing such distress. All we can do is react instinctively. There's a very good article on this subject on the Autism and Empathy blog.

When I fail to react to somebody in the way that they expect, when I react in a way that appears unfeeling, irrational, selfish - that is often the result of all too much feeling on my part. Feeling - emotion - so strong that I can't rationally cope with it and my mind regresses to a more primitive mode of operation: instinct, the primitive drive for self-preservation.

Rising Stress Revisited

A couple of days ago I mentioned a major cause of worry but couldn't go into detail. Well, it's to do with my wife. She had the results of tests on a tennis-ball-sized lump that was removed about three weeks ago and it was not good news. She doesn't want me to go into detail so I can't be more specific.

She has been very ill since the operation - internal bleeding causing a swelling as if she had a butternut squash under her skin and acute, chronic pain. I don't know how she has managed to stand it so far - I doubt that I could.

But the worst part for her as a gregarious, outgoing person has been the isolation of being stuck at home apart from my company when I'm not at work and occasional visits from friends. This is causing depression.

Now I feel selfish talking about my feelings when she is going through so much but I need to write it down to help me get through. I am mostly coping, thanks to the distraction of work, but it is her depression that I find the hardest to handle. I see and hear how she is feeling and I come so close to being overwhelmed that I feel as if I'm on a knife-edge where the slightest push will tip me over the edge.

I came within a fraction of a meltdown tonight - ended up punching a door frame. I've got my equilibrium back now but I feel under tremendous strain. This situation is very likely to continue for weeks if not months and I'm worried that I'm not going to be able to cope if I'm having difficulties after only three weeks.

I'm telling myself that I have to keep it together for her sake but I feel as if I'm failing because she is suffering. I'm not managing to meet my own expectations as regards being there for her: I have work commitments to meet to make sure we have money coming in to keep the roof over our heads and make sure the bills are paid, so as much as I'd like to I can't be with her 24/7. My employers have been very understanding and supportive and I thank them for that, but obviously I can't be absent long-term and expect to still be paid after my annual leave has all been taken.

So I'm putting myself under pressure to care for my wife adequately, to keep going in my job, and also to try to help keep the household running by doing as much as I can. I try to keep telling myself that I'm not doing too badly for someone who has struggled to look after himself in the past. But I still feel as if I'm being selfish by taking time out for myself - some down time on my own to try to unwind and help myself keep going. I feel as if I could and should be doing more for my wife, but at the same time realise that I need to make sure that I am here over the weeks to come. I really can't afford to let things get on top of me so that I overload. I'm worried as hell but I can't let that distract me until the situation improves.