Teasing Trouble

I find teasing very hurtful; this is a consequence of being unable to read people. I have to take everything I am told at face value, take it literally, because I am unable to determine intent based on anything other than the words spoken. I have to rely on people's honesty.

This means that whenever anybody says something about me I have to assume that it is their honest opinion of me. Because teasing involves negative comments - criticism or accusations - that paint me in a bad light, that suggest the speaker thinks ill of me, I experience feelings of betrayal that cause me great pain. My trust in that person is compromised.

An example: I have a close friend, somebody I used to work with, who is like a sister to me. Yet there are people I see socially who persist in teasing me by suggesting that there is a sexual attraction or relationship between us. As a married man I have an unshakeable loyalty to my wife - strong loyalty like this is not uncommon in Aspies - not to mention the implied insult to my friend. Knowing that behavior like that would be unthinkable to me - such impropriety - I am forced to conclude that these people are being deliberately malicious.

I fail to see their motivation, unless it is to cause me hurt. Yet when I challenge them they just say that they are "only teasing" and lay blame on me for not humoring them, for not joining in their childish games. They appear to assume that I can distinguish between this teasing and serious talk. Am I supposed to feel flattered that I can pass to this extent? Would they "tease" somebody in a wheelchair about their more obvious disability? I believe that  less visible psychological conditions like autism, because they're not obvious like many physical conditions (I prefer not to refer to disabilities - we may be defined by society at large in terms of our impairments but I would rather focus on our abilities than dwell on those things that are difficult or impossible to achieve through accident or the roll of the genetic dice), are considered less real, less valid, as if these people believe that we could choose to think and act in a way they consider "normal".

Small-mindedness; unthinking, petty, vindictive cruelty. And for no better reason than their own amusement. I may be no saint myself but at least I would not intentionally cause someone pain. I would feel remorse and apologise if I was brought to understand that I had unwittingly done so. I would not try to pass it off as "only teasing": I would feel as hurt because I had hurt them.

Teasing. It is in the same vein as bullying in my book. And I have no truck with either.

Peer Pressure

I'm the first to admit I can be a stubborn character. Once I decide on a course I can dig my heels in and pursue it come hell or high water. For the most part I choose to do things I enjoy - that includes being helpful because that makes me feel good as a result. But I don't do anything because I feel I ought, because I want to conform, because everybody does it.

I really don't care be pressured by people into doing something I don't want to do. Any time I get that kind of pressure I start to feel irritated and I can quickly get angry and snappish. I'm not a naturally rebellious type. I don't take stands to make a point or to be contrary. I do it for purely personal reasons, not to fit in with some group of people.

I'm the eternal outsider; I never feel fully part of any group: I don't get that involved. And to a large degree that leaves me immune to the pressures that social groups can bring to bear on their members to conform. I feel no need to think, speak or act the same way as others. I have enough confidence these days not to worry if people don't like what I do. I'm comfortable in my own company, doing my own thing.

I keep trying to understand peer pressure; to work out why so many people have a need to be part of a social circle. I find it all very confusing. Are these people's values really so malleable that they may be changed to match the group norm? My values are deeply ingrained and have been consistent throughout most of my life. Do these people go against some of their natural inclinations to follow a stronger urge to conform and be accepted by the group? If so, wouldn't this cause an internal conflict, some feelings of discomfort or even guilt?

I've seen people act in certain ways when in a group that they would never consider doing when alone. This can include being critical of and putting down people who are not members of the group, and even bullying. There appears to be a suspension of personal responsibility: whatever the group does is the responsibility of the group rather than devolving to each individual within it. There appears to be self-censorship: there must be no disagreement within the group, so no member feels able to take a dissenting position on anything.

I find it all rather depressing and dispiriting. Is it a failure in education that people are so reluctant to think for themselves and stand up in defense of their values? Or - a darker thought - is it just human nature? Are we doomed to a society shaped and dominated by inter-group rivalries and conflict?

Enough of this - I dislike ending on a negative note and this subject is getting me down. I'll just continue to hope for enlightenment and respect, and treat others as I would like to be treated in return. Perhaps it's just a drop in the ocean, a solitary candle against the darkness, but at least I can hold my head high.

Puppetmaster

You said I made you do it
When you treated me unkind,
As if you were a puppet,
My strings controlled your mind.

I think you chose to bully,
Tried to make me feel at fault.
My skin is thick and calloused
From the injuries you wrought.

So now I keep my distance,
Ever watching, on my guard.
Getting close to you again
Would push me much too hard.

I Think I Need A New Word

I'm struggling to think of one word that will describe the feeling of acute mental discomfort and anxiety I get when I hear somebody making hurtful remarks about anyone I know. I don't know if there is a word for it: maybe those people never feel like this. It would explain how they are able to behave in that way.

This feeling I get is so intense that I find it hard to describe, especially when I try to tell the people causing it how they are making me feel with their malicious comments. I don't do that very often - it invariably ends up with them turning on me. But it still makes me angry that they feel so superior that they have the right to put others down.

And then they try to justify themselves by saying they are being honest and direct. No, they're not. They're simply being rude, voicing their opinions behind people's backs and presenting gossip and rumour as fact. I've noticed that they never explain why they hold those opinions. There's an arrogant, unspoken assumption that the reasons are so obvious that any "right-thinking" person would be in agreement.

I don't know how to handle this kind of behaviour except by walking away - it upsets me so much that I overload. I feel that I'm letting the target of the comments down by not standing up and defending them, but I've tried and I can't handle the stress of the confrontation that results.

I guess there are just some people out there who are hazardous to one's health - poisonous if you like. Certainly incompatible with my peace of mind and general well-being.

To All The Bullies

There are some people out there who enjoy hurting others. I'm not talking about the sadistic psychopaths detained in high-security hospitals and prisons, although there are similarities. I'm talking about bullies. Those contemptible people who inflict mental and sometimes physical abuse on those they perceive as weaker.

I've suffered the teasing, taunting, name-calling and threatening behaviour. I've felt too afraid to even bear to be within sight of any of those responsible. I've ended up with depression, withdrawing - literally locking myself into the safe haven of my bedroom.

I would wonder why I had been singled out, what I had done to deserve such hateful treatment. Typical victim mindset, blaming myself - assuming the fault lay with me. Because I never fitted in: the quiet, shy one on the edge of things. Always nervous and awkward in social situations and with a set of unusual behaviours such as hand-flapping and repeating my words to myself that made me stand out.

I'd love to be able to say that I rose above such things and didn't let the bullies bother me. But it wouldn't be true. It bothered me to the point of breaking down in tears of pain and frustration. I ran away with my tail between my legs. I never confronted any of those responsible - that's something I can't handle. I shut down when faced with that kind of situation - confrontation and aggression.

I think it would be understandable if I hated those who had bullied me. But I don't. I fact I don't think of them individually at all, but rather as a class of people who are poisonous and to be avoided. They are narrow-minded, insensitive, morally-deficient and totally unnecessary and unwanted in my life. I have absolutely nothing to do with them. I carry on with my life, stick with the people who are my friends, and exclude any who would harm me.

The bullies may or may not care that I have excised them from my life - either way it doesn't matter to me. Because I now accept how I am - I'm content to be myself. Different is good in my opinion. I have supportive friends and a loving wife. I got told I'm "special" by one of my friends last night - little things like that make me feel good about myself. I have people who care about me. Why would I allow negative, destructive influences into my life? So I'm not even going to say goodbye to the bullies from my past - they are long gone and aren't missed.

Fear and Respect

Can you respect somebody you fear?

Fear engenders obedience because of the implied threat of punishment. It leads to passivity and acquiescence to the other's wishes (demands?). This can be misinterpreted as respect but there is an important difference: to respect somebody you must hold them in high regard - you must value and admire them. And my regard for somebody I fear is less than nothing - I hold them in contempt. I obey them because I am mindful of the consequences of disobedience - I rarely have the courage to stand up and confront people. It is emphatically not because I have any respect for them.

There are many names for the kind of people who delude themselves that they are respected because they hold positions of power over others, and abuse that power to bend those others to their will. Names such as tyrant, despot, dictator...

Bully.

It is a matter of volition. I will follow somebody I respect out of choice; I will submit to somebody I fear under duress. When I am a willing participant I am more productive - I want to give of my best and will strive to do so; when I'm forced to do something I will grudgingly conform to the letter of any demand but there is no inclination to perform well. It's not quite passive resistance, rather procrastination.

What is Normal?

Why is it that most people find it hard to accept when somebody looks or acts different?

I've been on the receiving end of prejudice, bullying and verbal abuse because I don't "fit in". I'm a person with Aspergers. I don't think in quite the same way as a neurotypical (NT) person and I often don't react in the way they'd expect. I don't show much emotion. Some people seem to assume that because of this I don't have feelings which isn't true: I have feelings, I just don't show feelings. So they keep pushing my buttons looking for a reaction. Do they not realise the hurt they can cause? I can't understand their motivation. I tend to assume it's accidental and they don't realise what they're doing because I literally can't imagine that anybody would deliberately intend to upset someone.

I mentioned in a previous post that I can't handle confrontation. I've been mocked because of this; called a wimp and so on. Now I'm not a small guy. I'm 5' 11" and 210 lbs, but I'm not saying that I could handle myself if I was attacked: I've got slow reactions and my coordination is poor. The one time I got attacked I was on the floor before I even knew what was happening. But how can people find fault with being peaceful? I've not got an aggressive nature at all: I'm quite passive. I remember when I played rugby the coach started pushing me about in the changing room before a match. I wondered why he was doing that, what had I done to deserve it? It was only later that somebody explained that he was trying to fire me up. But it didn't work at all. I just stood there and took it, trying to figure out what was going on.

My appearance makes me stand out as well. I have long hair, usually tied back in a pony tail. I like to wear a hat. It's usually a flat cap but I also have a black leather bush hat, a selection of Panamas and a Stetson (black). I don't like to wear anything with writing or logos on it and I much prefer black. I prefer natural materials such as cotton and leather because they feel more comfortable. I will select an item of clothing based on how it feels ahead of how it looks. If it wasn't for the fact that so much of my wardrobe is black I'd probably stand out even more: I really don't care what I look like, it's about utility. I get attached to certain items of clothing and wear them until they literally fall apart. I can't even remember the last time I bought a new shirt, say, or a pair of jeans. Speaking of jeans, as a child I would never wear them. I found the material too stiff and rough, so I would always wear trousers. Naturally this made me stand out as all my contemporaries went around in jeans. They now produce jeans in softer kinds of denim so I invariably wear a pair of jeans (black) because they're harder-wearing and don't show marks as much (I tend to pick up marks on my clothes because I'm a little clumsy).

Behaviour and appearance: factors that make me stand out from the crowd. I know I sometimes attract attention because of this. I don't try to; if anything I try to stay out on the fringes of things. Because along with the attention tends to come judgement and remarks or worse. I've got a theory that it's a tribal mindset people have: the world is grouped into us and them. If you're not one of us then you're less than us. If you don't look like us or act like us it means there's something wrong with you. So we'll persecute you. We'll hound you until you give up and crawl away. This seems to be "normal" human nature. And it can lead to incidents like this murder of a woman for being "different". At the time I occasionally heard people put the blame on her: "it wouldn't have happened if she'd been normal".

It's absolutely pervasive. People band together based on what they have in common, whether it's supporting a sports team, residing in a certain region, sharing a set of beliefs. They seem to unconsciously view anybody different, anybody outside their group, as a threat. I don't fit in with any group. I'm me. Just me. Keep to myself, don't bother anybody. So leave me out of your playground games: I'm not playing. I have no emotional need to feel part of a group. I do have an emotional need to be left to live my life in my own way. Respect that or just leave me the hell alone.