The sharp bright pain of fresh wounds
Grows dull with time. Though they heal
The scars are left as scrapbook
Memories.
Each one a window on the past
Through which the hurt still shines,
Less intense: scar tissue hard
And numb.
Monday, 2 July 2012
Monday, 18 June 2012
Losing Patience
Several times, especially in recent weeks, I have been put in an awkward, discomfiting position when out socially. One minute I will be feeling at ease among friends and then one person will start behaving badly - disparaging and insulting others, being antagonistic, even spiteful, and completely shattering my sense of calm.
This person absolutely refuses to accept that they might be in the wrong, instead reacting angrily to criticism and blaming anyone and everyone around them; the phrase "chip on the shoulder" comes readily to mind. I'm starting to wonder if there's some psychological problem behind these personality traits - the Wikipedia entry for narcissistic personality disorder includes the following:
I find that I am dealing with the stress caused by this person's behavior by switching off from these interactions - I have become increasingly emotionally detached as a form of self-defense. While I still care, I am no longer willing to be subjected to this kind of bullying behavior.
This person absolutely refuses to accept that they might be in the wrong, instead reacting angrily to criticism and blaming anyone and everyone around them; the phrase "chip on the shoulder" comes readily to mind. I'm starting to wonder if there's some psychological problem behind these personality traits - the Wikipedia entry for narcissistic personality disorder includes the following:
Narcissists have such an elevated sense of self-worth that they value themselves as inherently better than others. Yet, they have a fragile self-esteem and cannot handle criticism, and will often try to compensate for this inner fragility by belittling or disparaging others in an attempt to validate their own self-worth. It is this sadistic tendency that is characteristic of narcissism...But this speculation does not address the issue at hand, namely that this person is causing an increasing amount of ill-feeling and upset. I know that I'm reaching the limit of my patience in dealing with this person's demands and prima donna antics, and I'm far from the only one feeling this way.
I find that I am dealing with the stress caused by this person's behavior by switching off from these interactions - I have become increasingly emotionally detached as a form of self-defense. While I still care, I am no longer willing to be subjected to this kind of bullying behavior.
Friday, 8 June 2012
The Support of Friendship
I fear that this Diamond Jubilee weekend just gone has left me sadly out of sorts with the upheaval and disruption to my regular routines. I accompanied a group of friends to London on Saturday, a lads' day out. I will admit to having reservations in the run up to the day itself - I don't generally enjoy the crowds and hectic work-day pace of the city - but I had not been there on a Saturday for many years and never in the company of a group of friends. As it turned out I ended up in a smaller group of three or four for most of the day and by focusing on just this group I was able to insulate myself sufficiently from the many thousands of people all around us - it felt to me as if we were in our own protective bubble.
The day passed so quickly and I had a wonderful time - my companions were good company and all the strangers around barely registered in my mind - I was relaxed and happy, and had one of the best days out ever. The next day, Sunday, was quiet and flat by comparison - I have no clear recollection of it - but Monday brought another social gathering. This time it was a barbecue hosted by another friend, and again I started out with some trepidation because of the number attending: over thirty people, but nearly all of them people I know well.
I needn't have worried. They were welcoming and genuinely pleased that I had come along and my anxious insecurity was soon forgotten as I joined in the fun. I ended up not going home that night, spending the night at the home of yet another friend where I slept on the sofa - I can scarcely believe that people not only appear not to object to having me around, but even invite me over.
That long weekend is over. But despite my lingering tiredness I have memories of some very enjoyable times, thanks in such a large part to my friends. I cannot overstate the importance that such acceptance has to me - it gives me such a sense of support.
The day passed so quickly and I had a wonderful time - my companions were good company and all the strangers around barely registered in my mind - I was relaxed and happy, and had one of the best days out ever. The next day, Sunday, was quiet and flat by comparison - I have no clear recollection of it - but Monday brought another social gathering. This time it was a barbecue hosted by another friend, and again I started out with some trepidation because of the number attending: over thirty people, but nearly all of them people I know well.
I needn't have worried. They were welcoming and genuinely pleased that I had come along and my anxious insecurity was soon forgotten as I joined in the fun. I ended up not going home that night, spending the night at the home of yet another friend where I slept on the sofa - I can scarcely believe that people not only appear not to object to having me around, but even invite me over.
That long weekend is over. But despite my lingering tiredness I have memories of some very enjoyable times, thanks in such a large part to my friends. I cannot overstate the importance that such acceptance has to me - it gives me such a sense of support.
Monday, 28 May 2012
On The Edge
Unbroken path leads back
The way I came while on
Each side the land runs out
To fade in distant haze.
In front of me the void
Assures oblivion,
Patiently awaiting
That last small step of mine.
I don't remember how
My feet conveyed me here,
Nor any of the turns:
Decisions lost in time.
On setting out the route
Lay wide and arrow-straight
As far as eyes could see;
We walked off hand in hand.
It matters not who first
Slipped from the other's grip:
We each believed our paths
Led true. The distance grew
Until the day I found
We'd drifted out of touch:
I had never noticed
You straying from my side.
Glimpses offered hope that
Our paths would meet ahead:
I'll wait for you forever,
Alone here on the edge.
The way I came while on
Each side the land runs out
To fade in distant haze.
In front of me the void
Assures oblivion,
Patiently awaiting
That last small step of mine.
I don't remember how
My feet conveyed me here,
Nor any of the turns:
Decisions lost in time.
On setting out the route
Lay wide and arrow-straight
As far as eyes could see;
We walked off hand in hand.
It matters not who first
Slipped from the other's grip:
We each believed our paths
Led true. The distance grew
Until the day I found
We'd drifted out of touch:
I had never noticed
You straying from my side.
Glimpses offered hope that
Our paths would meet ahead:
I'll wait for you forever,
Alone here on the edge.
Friday, 25 May 2012
I Aten't Dead
Still here. Just having trouble gathering my thoughts into a shape coherent enough to write lately; makes me wonder if the cracks are showing. Not enough hours in the day, nor enough days in the week to find time to undertake all the outstanding jobs. Ninety degrees weather and I'm snowed under!
There are times when the work piles up faster than I can manage - I'm working flat out and the backlog is growing by the hour. There's a tipping point - a critical mass - beyond which I start to spend more time thinking about the sheer number of things to do than actually tackling them. I feel overwhelmed - under pressure - and start to panic.
I have found that I have a limit to the number of items I can maintain in my memory - my mental to-do list. If it grows beyond that limit then it is like adding too many apples to a fruit bowl: I put one in and it dislodges one or two that were precariously balanced, so I have to catch them and try to replace them into the bowl. (Akin to what I'd call thrashing in the day job.) My time and effort is spent trying to fit all my apples into my bowl, so to speak, rather than eating them.
Imagine opening a door - not a normal door but a portal to another place, more like Alice's looking glass. It is door-sized and -shaped - about 2'6" wide and 6'6" high - but just stands there like a window hanging in space. All I have to do is walk through it to be instantly transported to a peaceful land of solitude. I stand on the lush green grass, feeling the breeze and listening to the birds, and look back through the portal at the world I have stepped out of. Hang up a "Do not disturb" sign and lock the door. If only it weren't a fantasy...
An idealized past haunts my waking thoughts; I look back through the haze of distant time to halcyon days of childhood when the weight of responsibility lay less heavy upon my shoulders. But time flows ever on like a river to the sea, carrying me in its currents farther and farther from the tranquility of my source whence I sprang from the earth pure and untainted by the corruption and filth of this world above. Feels like I need a vacation.
PS: Thanks to Terry Pratchett for the title...
There are times when the work piles up faster than I can manage - I'm working flat out and the backlog is growing by the hour. There's a tipping point - a critical mass - beyond which I start to spend more time thinking about the sheer number of things to do than actually tackling them. I feel overwhelmed - under pressure - and start to panic.
I have found that I have a limit to the number of items I can maintain in my memory - my mental to-do list. If it grows beyond that limit then it is like adding too many apples to a fruit bowl: I put one in and it dislodges one or two that were precariously balanced, so I have to catch them and try to replace them into the bowl. (Akin to what I'd call thrashing in the day job.) My time and effort is spent trying to fit all my apples into my bowl, so to speak, rather than eating them.
Imagine opening a door - not a normal door but a portal to another place, more like Alice's looking glass. It is door-sized and -shaped - about 2'6" wide and 6'6" high - but just stands there like a window hanging in space. All I have to do is walk through it to be instantly transported to a peaceful land of solitude. I stand on the lush green grass, feeling the breeze and listening to the birds, and look back through the portal at the world I have stepped out of. Hang up a "Do not disturb" sign and lock the door. If only it weren't a fantasy...
An idealized past haunts my waking thoughts; I look back through the haze of distant time to halcyon days of childhood when the weight of responsibility lay less heavy upon my shoulders. But time flows ever on like a river to the sea, carrying me in its currents farther and farther from the tranquility of my source whence I sprang from the earth pure and untainted by the corruption and filth of this world above. Feels like I need a vacation.
PS: Thanks to Terry Pratchett for the title...
Still Young at Heart
Realization recently struck me like a slap in the face from a wet fish - I've been far too serious lately and it has been contributing to a morose malaise. The cure? Cast off all sense of grown-up responsibility for a while and just play.
Reveling in immaturity and freedom as I take a short vacation from the gravity of adulthood - it sure sounds attractive. I want to jump in a puddle to make the biggest splash, climb a tree and look out to the horizon, run around and laugh and play. I want to be Huck Finn and run away on an adventure...
Not that I will end up doing any of that - just dreaming. But the other day I did yield to the urge to get away for a spell - irresponsible perhaps, but necessary to restore some peace of mind. I walked along the river path, enjoying the stillness and solitude. It was enjoyable for a while...
..and then I started to encounter people and it spoiled the mood. Gone was my relaxed sense of ease to be replaced by a stiff uneasiness in the presence of strangers.
I took refuge in a place I feel comfortable but although it turned out to be an enjoyable day I couldn't get time alone to restore some semblance of calm in my mind.
Reveling in immaturity and freedom as I take a short vacation from the gravity of adulthood - it sure sounds attractive. I want to jump in a puddle to make the biggest splash, climb a tree and look out to the horizon, run around and laugh and play. I want to be Huck Finn and run away on an adventure...
..and then I started to encounter people and it spoiled the mood. Gone was my relaxed sense of ease to be replaced by a stiff uneasiness in the presence of strangers.
I took refuge in a place I feel comfortable but although it turned out to be an enjoyable day I couldn't get time alone to restore some semblance of calm in my mind.
Friday, 11 May 2012
Playing it Safe
Social situations are a minefield in which the slightest misstep can result in things blowing up in your face. I picture the situation as a narrow path - the "safe" area in terms of what I can say or do - with increasing danger of stepping on a mine - upsetting somebody - the farther I venture from the path.
Since I am risk-averse I do not often test the boundaries of what people find to be acceptable behavior - mapping out the danger area - and when I do, I tend to do so carefully and deliberately in the hope that any negative reaction will be small enough for me to handle.
I find it difficult because different people have wildly different standards of what they deem to be acceptable. Not only that, but the boundaries move depending on context. There is only a small patch of common ground on which the majority of people I encounter socially can agree.
My starting position with somebody I have not met before is to play it very safe - speak when spoken to, no slang or swearing, no physical contact. Over time I will observe how they act towards me and others, and slowly begin to introduce those behaviors that they demonstrate - the assumption here is that they are less likely to be offended by something that they do themselves.
This is not an infallible method. That's people for you - they're not always rational, logical or consistent. It can be a case of "do as I say, not as I do" - how confusing! But slowly, gingerly, I can explore the envelope and work out just how far I am able to take things with those I know reasonably well.
Since I am risk-averse I do not often test the boundaries of what people find to be acceptable behavior - mapping out the danger area - and when I do, I tend to do so carefully and deliberately in the hope that any negative reaction will be small enough for me to handle.
I find it difficult because different people have wildly different standards of what they deem to be acceptable. Not only that, but the boundaries move depending on context. There is only a small patch of common ground on which the majority of people I encounter socially can agree.
My starting position with somebody I have not met before is to play it very safe - speak when spoken to, no slang or swearing, no physical contact. Over time I will observe how they act towards me and others, and slowly begin to introduce those behaviors that they demonstrate - the assumption here is that they are less likely to be offended by something that they do themselves.
This is not an infallible method. That's people for you - they're not always rational, logical or consistent. It can be a case of "do as I say, not as I do" - how confusing! But slowly, gingerly, I can explore the envelope and work out just how far I am able to take things with those I know reasonably well.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)