Visualizing Emotions

Feeling emotions means seeing myself in different settings, each reflecting - to me at least - the nature of the sensation. This is obviously a consequence of a visual mode of thinking: my conscious identification and comprehension of my emotional state is driven by my recognition of the specific mental imagery.

To feel happiness is to take to the air, flying through the limitless skies with velocity in proportion to the degree of pleasure. Happiness is a strong, bright yellow like the summer sun, daffodils, buttercups or gorse flowers.

As happiness shades into ecstasy or excitement then the flight becomes aerobatic: swooping, twisting and turning through the air. There is an invigorating surge of glittering bubbles like swimming through the fizz of champagne.

In contrast, sadness is a leaden dullness, an unrelieved monotony of gray emptiness. Little or no motion, no possibility of escaping gravity's pull that tethers me to the ground. Everything moves so slowly as if mired in a morass, and it takes such effort to overcome the inertia.

As sadness deepens into despondency and despair, so the gray darkens, chasms opening beneath my feet as I slip down, deeper and deeper into the abyss with what faint light there is steadily diminishing overhead, dwindling and fading to a point that eventually becomes imperceptible from the gloom all around. Add hurt - pain - to this and the edges become hard and sharp, pressing in on me, trapping me in their constrictions before piercing into and through me as the intensity becomes unbearable.

Fear is cold; a blue/white arctic landscape through which the wind blows relentlessly, sculpting the ice into faerie castles with towers like scimitars, and whipping the snow up into blizzards. As I begin to panic I am picked up by the wind, and left falling endlessly, arms thrashing in vain as I try to slow and stop my irresistible descent.

Anger is a curious one. Other people speak about "seeing red"; however I cannot honestly say that red is associated with the feeling for me. Anger is a huge black and silver steam locomotive, belching smoke from its stack and spouting prodigious jets of steam from its pistons as it speeds, unstoppable, along gleaming straight steel rails, wheels flashing so quickly that they are just a blur, making the very earth tremble with its immense power and trailing an immense white plume back along its path. This thundering titan seems to me to be the embodiment of dreadful might.

And finally, calm - serenity, peaceful solitude - is walking through woodland on a balmy summer's day, sunlight filtering through the lush green canopy to project dappled shadows on the gray/green/brown tangle of the undergrowth. Not another person around; it is just me and the creatures of the woods - birds fluttering among the branches, squirrels bounding sinuously up trunks and along the limbs. Perfect natural harmony all around me.

Overloaded (Again)

This sensory overload business can be so darned inconvenient at times. It caught me out tonight - wasn't expecting it to rear its head at all. I was out with my wife at a friend's birthday party. All fine until it got busy with loud music.

The trouble is that it all makes such demands on my faculties as I try to pick up what people are saying to me, while simultaneously attempting to block out everything else that's going on around me, that I end up very quickly feeling drained and shutdown looms.

At that point I need to take time out - find somewhere quiet to sit for a spell - and "chill out". (Literally chill tonight because I'm sat in the car and it's none too warm out here.)

So right now I'm afraid I'm poor company and not much fun to be around. I'm managing ok out here, and some of my friends have popped by to see if I'm all right - that helps because it shows support from which I take strength.

It's just unfortunate that at times like this I am unsociable - not antisocial - and just need a little space. I'd hate to think I'd put a dampener on anybody's enjoyment of the birthday party.

Devious Complication

A simple soul is what I am,
A simple life I lead.
But other people complicate
Their ev'ry thought and deed.

I fail to see the point of this:
Why skirt round what you mean?
By coming to the point head-on
Intent is plainly seen.

Let others play their petty games.
I'll stay just how I am.
Taking in the words they speak,
Ignoring hidden plans.

Because I'm just a simple soul,
I fail to see beneath
The surface of banality
That hides the claws and teeth.

Agendas hidden from my sight,
Though seen by other eyes,
Ultimately come to light
And take me by surprise.

I find it hard to understand
So devious a mind:
Manipulate for one's own ends,
So selfish and unkind.

I'm happy as this simple man,
Content to take no part
In playing games with people's lives
That end with broken hearts.

Correcting People's Mistakes

I have an involuntary urge to jump in and correct people when I notice errors in what they say. It hasn't escaped my notice that this often irritates the person I correct, but I have a hard time checking the impulse.

I'm not sure whether the cause of this is pedantry, perfectionism or simply attention to detail. Too much attention to detail sometimes because I end up getting distracted from the conversation by concentrating on the mistake. Interrupting the speaker to correct them also tends to distract them from what they were saying, halting the conversation.

Thing is... I'm trying to be helpful when I correct people. Accuracy is important to me - more important than saving somebody's feelings - and I subconsciously expect that other people feel the same and would appreciate my efforts. Publicly correcting people can engender a hostile response - it embarrasses them, triggering a defensive reaction. In conjunction with my social anxiety, fear of this kind of response prevents me from speaking up in front of strangers. But it doesn't prevent me feeling very uncomfortable about the error.

It's the same with errors in writing - things like shop signs that might have spelling or grammatical mistakes. I have been known to take a pen and make editorial corrections to notices - the urge to do so can be impossible to suppress.

I find that people mistake my motivation - while I only strive for accuracy, they see me as a know-all who wants appear superior. They may even see me as arrogant. For the record, I'm not trying to impress people with my knowledge or make them appear ignorant and stupid. I just have an obsession for precision in language.

2011 Retrospective

Goodbye 2011, you were a year of new experiences, happiness and sadness.

Last year started cold. We were snowed in for a week - too icy to drive - and I had to walk to the local stores, hoping their deliveries had got through. Bread was in short supply. But it was so enjoyable walking through the snow, the absence of traffic on the roads, everybody on foot. Parents towing their children on sleds. A peaceful, happy time.

I started working part-time as a barman at the local pub, just to help out at first. I took to it like a duck to water and now, almost a whole year later, I'm still there. It's been a great help as it gave me a way to talk to people, initially within the boundaries of the job and then, as I got to know the regular customers better, beyond it. By now I think of the people there as a kind of extended family - I feel accepted and wonderfully comfortable among them.

My main job as a software developer continued to be a source of great pleasure - interesting, challenging projects and opportunities to learn new skills and technologies. I'm incredibly lucky to get paid for doing something I enjoy so much. I'm not financially motivated - the work is its own reward for me, but obviously I need to earn money to live.

I started this blog in July, initially just to write about my day-to-day experiences through the lens of Aspergers Syndrome but soon expanded to become a means to express my feelings, whether through my attempts at poetry or through prose. One unexpected result was that I've connected through blogging with other people on the autism spectrum which has helped me both to understand myself better and to feel less isolated by my differences - I now know I'm not the only one whose brain functions in this special way.

The past few months has seen times of great strain in the relationship between my wife and me. Various events, my Aspergers and her deteriorating health have combined at times to set us at loggerheads. When communication breaks down everything else starts to tumble after it in an avalanche of self-destructive behavior. But through our mutual love we have found the will and the strength to keep working on our marriage and, although I cannot say with all honesty that everything is fine right now, we are past the lowest point and building up again.

I saw the year out with a New Year's Eve shift in the pub - 6pm to 3:30am. It was physically tiring but emotionally exhilarating. I can recall noticing the clock around 8pm and the next time I looked it was well past 11! It truly felt as if only minutes had passed, yet it was more than three hours later. An enjoyable busy night.

Overall despite the lows it was a good year and seems to have passed so quickly. Hello 2012, I wonder what you'll bring. Interesting times, I'm sure.

The Last Rose

Winter is upon the land
And yet outside my window,
Shielded by some unseen hand,
One rose continues to grow.

Single bud encased in green
That hides its wine-dark crimson.
Summer beauty might be seen
So late against all reason.

Barren branches all around,
Grass laid flat by heavy dew.
Perfect bloom can now be found,
The best kept back just for you.

Until at last nature calls
Time; it's heard without a sound.
One by one each petal falls
To wither upon the ground.

Loneliness vs Solitude

Sometimes I feel lonely - I get the need for company. Other times I find other people hard to handle and need some time alone. This time of year - the holiday season - is making me unusually aware of this.

It has been a strange few days. I've spent a lot of time amongst friends, enjoying myself, and yet felt the need to take a break every now and again to be alone. I could feel myself becoming overwhelmed and needing just five or ten minutes of peace to recover. I don't generally explain or even describe how I'm feeling - I just walk away for a spell, and come back afterwards feeling calmer and more at ease.

And now, in the small hours of the morning, I am sat at home. My wife is asleep in bed. For some reason I feel alone, even though I know she is only a few yards away - I can even hear her snoring gently. The feeling's like an emptiness inside, different from sadness in that there is no pain. It's almost an absence of feeling.

I want to share with somebody what the past few days have been like. The dislocation caused by a week's forced vacation as work shut down for the holidays. The exhilaration of working the bar during a record-breaking day. The physical tiredness from successive late nights. The comfort I felt holding my wife on the dance-floor. Other events, other feelings, good and bad.

Writing this, sharing it here, has helped me. I have regained my balance, and now I shall retire to bed at ease.