I find teasing very hurtful; this is a consequence of being unable to read people. I have to take everything I am told at face value, take it literally, because I am unable to determine intent based on anything other than the words spoken. I have to rely on people's honesty.
This means that whenever anybody says something about me I have to assume that it is their honest opinion of me. Because teasing involves negative comments - criticism or accusations - that paint me in a bad light, that suggest the speaker thinks ill of me, I experience feelings of betrayal that cause me great pain. My trust in that person is compromised.
An example: I have a close friend, somebody I used to work with, who is like a sister to me. Yet there are people I see socially who persist in teasing me by suggesting that there is a sexual attraction or relationship between us. As a married man I have an unshakeable loyalty to my wife - strong loyalty like this is not uncommon in Aspies - not to mention the implied insult to my friend. Knowing that behavior like that would be unthinkable to me - such impropriety - I am forced to conclude that these people are being deliberately malicious.
I fail to see their motivation, unless it is to cause me hurt. Yet when I challenge them they just say that they are "only teasing" and lay blame on me for not humoring them, for not joining in their childish games. They appear to assume that I can distinguish between this teasing and serious talk. Am I supposed to feel flattered that I can pass to this extent? Would they "tease" somebody in a wheelchair about their more obvious disability? I believe that less visible psychological conditions like autism, because they're not obvious like many physical conditions (I prefer not to refer to disabilities - we may be defined by society at large in terms of our impairments but I would rather focus on our abilities than dwell on those things that are difficult or impossible to achieve through accident or the roll of the genetic dice), are considered less real, less valid, as if these people believe that we could choose to think and act in a way they consider "normal".
Small-mindedness; unthinking, petty, vindictive cruelty. And for no better reason than their own amusement. I may be no saint myself but at least I would not intentionally cause someone pain. I would feel remorse and apologise if I was brought to understand that I had unwittingly done so. I would not try to pass it off as "only teasing": I would feel as hurt because I had hurt them.
Teasing. It is in the same vein as bullying in my book. And I have no truck with either.
When people "persist in teasing me by suggesting that there is a sexual attraction" they are usually considered flirting with you. When you said she was like a sister it only adds credence to my point. Flirting is a good thing. If you cheekily flirt with a member of your own sex then it shows a comfort level between friends.
ReplyDeleteThis constant teasing is a character trait. The people find it funny, so I would suggest that it is in fact part of their sense of humour. If I can spin it around. The opposite of what you are describing is having a self-deprecating sense of humour; one where you are "teasing" yourself. They no more mean malice, on themselves than they do on you.
It maybe that self-deprecating is easier to spot because it's not directed at you. But do you take the words at face value here.
While I understand you (more so than at the beginning) you must try to understand us. A great proportion of the British sense of humour is based on casually flirting and taking the piss out of each other. Well at least my sense of humour is!
Understanding why you crack jokes like that doesn't mean I have to like it.
DeleteFunnily enough (no pun intended) the only times I have discovered that anybody was flirting with me have been when my wife has pointed it out to me. I just can't read the signals. She finds it amusing which I guess shows that we have a strong relationship built on mutual trust.
DeleteThank you for writing your blog.
ReplyDeleteI am married to a man recently diagnosed with Aspergers and, together, we are bringing up three children and feeling our way through a relationship and family with Aspergers in the mix.
Reading your blog helps me see my husband's perspective more clearly. I haven't come across too many blogs from men with Aspergers (and even less from partners of people with Aspergers in the UK) so it's good to see this blog out there.