There are some people out there who enjoy hurting others. I'm not talking about the sadistic psychopaths detained in high-security hospitals and prisons, although there are similarities. I'm talking about bullies. Those contemptible people who inflict mental and sometimes physical abuse on those they perceive as weaker.
I've suffered the teasing, taunting, name-calling and threatening behaviour. I've felt too afraid to even bear to be within sight of any of those responsible. I've ended up with depression, withdrawing - literally locking myself into the safe haven of my bedroom.
I would wonder why I had been singled out, what I had done to deserve such hateful treatment. Typical victim mindset, blaming myself - assuming the fault lay with me. Because I never fitted in: the quiet, shy one on the edge of things. Always nervous and awkward in social situations and with a set of unusual behaviours such as hand-flapping and repeating my words to myself that made me stand out.
I'd love to be able to say that I rose above such things and didn't let the bullies bother me. But it wouldn't be true. It bothered me to the point of breaking down in tears of pain and frustration. I ran away with my tail between my legs. I never confronted any of those responsible - that's something I can't handle. I shut down when faced with that kind of situation - confrontation and aggression.
I think it would be understandable if I hated those who had bullied me. But I don't. I fact I don't think of them individually at all, but rather as a class of people who are poisonous and to be avoided. They are narrow-minded, insensitive, morally-deficient and totally unnecessary and unwanted in my life. I have absolutely nothing to do with them. I carry on with my life, stick with the people who are my friends, and exclude any who would harm me.
The bullies may or may not care that I have excised them from my life - either way it doesn't matter to me. Because I now accept how I am - I'm content to be myself. Different is good in my opinion. I have supportive friends and a loving wife. I got told I'm "special" by one of my friends last night - little things like that make me feel good about myself. I have people who care about me. Why would I allow negative, destructive influences into my life? So I'm not even going to say goodbye to the bullies from my past - they are long gone and aren't missed.
Hi Ben,
ReplyDeleteI give you a lot of credit. I have a great deal of difficulty letting it go. I don't hate the people who hurt me, but I've developed a distrust and I dislike having that in my personality.
I think it's so difficult to move away from the fear of it happening again. I dislike being used or bullied or pushed around in any way since I don't do that to others I cannot understand it when it is happening to me. It seems so foreign and I try to understand why the person is doing such a thing to me. I really try to analyze it and see where I may have gone wrong or if I gave the wrong impression some how... but you're right. It comes down to the fact that it's their behavior and their abusive tactics and that they like to feel the power over someone else. It seems so lonely, actually. It seems like it's a way to keep themselves safe from perceived dangers that don't really exist. Puff themselves up and make others seem small so they feel safe.
Still, none of that matters in the end. What matters is how people treat one another and what you leave yourself and someone else with at the end of a interaction. I personally want to be a good person to other people because it's what feels right and good to me. I just do not want to be on the receiving end of that kind of abuse anymore. I do not do confrontations well at all and I never know how to react or what to say and end up crumbling under the weight of them a lot of times.
I like your convictions and I think you are actually very strong for having your philosophy. I get so much from reading your blog because it gives me such a wonderful way of looking at things.
Thank you,
Bird
Thank you Bird. Such kind praise. What gives me the most pleasure is the appreciation I receive when I can help somebody. A simple "thank you" doesn't seem like much but means a lot.
ReplyDeleteWhen I come across somebody who is rude or abusive to me I do feel uncomfortable or even afraid. But I remain polite, at least at first - in part because I can't handle confrontations. And if they continue then I ignore them. I have realised that I can just walk away. It's a form of empowerment. It doesn't bother me if they find me rude - I treat people in the way I judge that they deserve based on how they treat me. I won't harm anybody but I refuse to give anything - including my time - to those who mistreat me.
I do try to keep a positive outlook and I think I manage to express that, at least by the conclusion of many of my posts. Part of it is that I find writing so therapeutic - it allows me to express, and then understand and handle my feelings. Sometimes I start writing amid a storm of strong emotion. By the end of it I usually feel calmer and happier.
My son, who is 9 and has Asperger's doesn't have a mean bone in his body and can't understand why someone would bully. So far, no bullies at his school, but as his parent, I dread the day that a bully appears. I am teaching him that bullies often have issues with anger and often feel bad about themselves, and we are to feel sorry for them, that they can only get enjoyment from life by hurting others. What kind of existence is that? I would much rather be on our side, where we know we have people who love and care for us, and that is who we need to surround ourselves with. I do hope your wife is OK.
ReplyDeleteLesley: thank you.
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